I think I must be lying, even to myself. Sometimes I think I'm feeling better, but really there are feelings and emotions still there that are threatening to say the least. So the last post I left I guess I'd tried to kill myself. I've been there twice since then and not felt any change.
I think my health is suffering too. I think the body image i hold of myself is suffering.  I don't eat like I used to, I just don't have the appetite anymore. I'm constantly aware of what I do or don't look like, comparing myself to other people in the street, wondering if Philip would like them any better. I feel like I'm getting bigger and bigger by the day, no matter what I try and do. With regards to me health I'm not sleeping, and if I do it's lightly or erratically. I have headaches that won't go with two lots of ibuprofen AND paracetemol. They don't even go with sleep anymore, and by the secoond day I have shakes, nausea, dizzisness and a constant feeling that I'm going to faint. Now I don't know if any of this is linked, but it sure as hell isn't making me feel any better.
I think I wrote last time about it being just the winter that affected me, but I don't feel that's the case aymore, I'm pretty sure it goes beyond that. I could buy a light box, but they're so expensive and I don't have the money for one.
i have constant feelings still that I am no good for Philip, however these thoughts are well trodden into the ground and I don't think any amount of resurfacing will get rid of them. I talked to Philip's older sister, but as much as I hate to say it she didn't help. She said all the things I'd expected her to say. It all came about because I packed my stuff and left the house Philip and I share. I thought it would be best if I left so he could get on with his own life without me holding him back or springing things on him, like telling him we should split up for "his own good". I've nearly left about three times now, and that time where I packed everything I felt so bad, and I didn't really want to go, so I went to Philip's house instead and talked to his family. But as I said before it didn't help.
I suppose I have depression, but I don't want to admit that. All I want is to be happy, be normal and not let things affect me. I feel like I'm being stupid, selfish mostly for thinking I have problems when other people have worse shit going on than I do. Like the Japanese tsunami. How can I go around all mopey when other people have lost their whole lives? Urgh I just feel disgusted with myself for it.
But it just seems no matter what I do things are getting steadily worse, and I don't seem to be able to control it anymore. I guess I repressed it through college, since I've been with Philip really, but I can't be happy for him much longer. I just don't want him to come home one day and find me in some unconscious state, I'd rather leave altogether than put him through that. I dunno, I guess THAT really is selfish but I don't wanna die, I just don't want to keep living this either.
I'm not sure how this sounds to an outsider, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to explain myslef to anyone.
It just all feels so pointless. And I should have a holiday in Malta to look forward to, but I don't know whether I can afford it anymore, thanks to Uni. And uni's another thing, but I can't be bothered to keep on anymore.